May 19 2010
10 Secrets Every Parent Needs to Know about Saying No by Dr. Laura Markham
“Dr. Laura – I’m not one of those ‘Count to 3 and They Jump’ parents. I was raised that way and it always seems to involve threats and harshness. But I do want my kids to listen to me, and to take No for an answer. For instance, when I say ‘It’s time to clean up’ they ignore me unless I yell. What’s the secret?” — Danielle
Most humans ignore things they don’t want to hear, if possible. But we can get our kids to “listen,” and to follow our rules, without resorting to yelling, threats or harshness. The secrets?
1. Kids only listen to us because of who we are to them. Our influence depends on their connection to us. If your kid won’t listen, start by listening to them.
2. Kids accept our direction when it’s part of the routine. That’s just the way life is. “We always clean up the toys before dinner. That’s the rule.” Kids may not love these rules, but if we cheerfully insist on them, they’ll become habits, like washing hands or doing homework before playing.
3. Kids accept our requests when they realize, through experience, that the limit is firm. If they learn they can always adjust our limits, they will naturally challenge them every time. That doesn’t mean you can’t listen to their arguments and reconsider. But once your mind is made up, be kind but clear. Get in their physical space in a pleasant, humorous way, so that ignoring you isn’t an option. “Hey, didn’t you hear me? Time to clean up now. Let’s drive that dump truck to the toy box.”
4. Kids accept our limits when we accept their desires, and their anger, sadness or disappointment about our limits. They don’t have to like our limits, they just have to follow them. Once they express their desire and their unhappiness, they can more easily accept the limit and move on. “You wish you could play for ten more hours, right? You could play all night. It’s hard to stop playing and clean up. Want to growl while we clean up to show me how snarly you feel? Let’s have a growling contest.”
5. Kids follow our requests when they don’t feel pushed around. Avoid initiating a power struggle. Find a way to give a choice, and some autonomy. “We do need to clean up. Do you want to be in charge of putting the blocks away, or the crayons?”
6. Kids follow our requests when we transform them into something fun and inviting. You can make a game out anything, and no kid can resist an invitation to play. Let the trucks have a race to the toy box. Use funny voices. Have a contest about who can clean up fastest. Pretend you’re the wrecking crew. Tell a story while you clean up about a kid who hated to clean up.
7. Kids follow our requests when they’re age-appropriate. Don’t expect a three year old to clean up his toys himself. Do it with him. Even if he seems to know how, he needs your company to stay on task.
8. Kids accept our limits when they see we care about their happiness. “I know you don’t want to destroy this tower you worked so hard on. We usually clean everything up at night, but let’s leave your tower up to enjoy. And if we hurry with the rest of the clean-up, we’ll have time for an extra story.”
9. Kids accept our direction because they trust us to make rules that support their well-being. That trust is established by the way we interact with them every day. “We clean up so we don’t trip over the toys and break them. And so we have a clear space to play tomorrow.”
10. Kids accept our NO because they feel our deeper YES. Kids will do almost anything we request if we make the request with a loving heart. Find a way to say YES instead of NO even while you set your limit. “YES, it’s time to clean up, and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower up and YES you can growl about it and YES if we hurry we can read an extra story and YES we can make this fun and YES I adore you and YES how did I get so lucky to be your parent? YES!” Your child will respond with the generosity of spirit that only a child can offer.
May your day be filled with miracles, including children who listen.
Dr. Laura Markham
AhaParenting.com
